What I Have Learned In My Many Years of Bartending

Eyes don't really smolder. (I have only recently learned this.)
Beer isn't really crisp or clean. Nor does it really go down easy, for that matter.
Smoking doesn't make you look sexy, but it does give you that ever-important edge.
Purple teeth and purple lips are not indicators of good taste, only high tolerance levels.
People sometimes don't tip, no matter how good the service.
People sometimes tip well, no matter how bad the service.
People often respond sly to a mischievous smile, which I now give proper respect.